Desert Rose
by FoxFlame
Summary: Hiei reflects on Kurama teaching him about love....why he was so late...why he did what he did....and how he copes with it.


Desert Rose

Written By Foxflame

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, or any related characters. Also, the quote I used by **Bertrand Russell**** (1872 - 1970)**, _Marriage and Morals (1929) ch. 19_

The song used for this ficc is called Desert Rose by Sting

Fox: I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't have any idea where this idea came from. I just felt the need to write a story to this song, because I love it. It might seem like the typical fic of HxK, and I wont lie that it isn't some amazing storyline. Its just a spur of the moment, feeling invoked story. Leave reviews if you like, just enjoy.

Hiei might be slightly out of character, but he needs to be for this. you shall see.

- - - -

Desert Rose

_-----_

…_I dream of rain…_

_-----_

Have you ever felt such a chill? Probably have, considering your life span and adventures. Every demon must have been left out in the rain at one point in their life. When it happens the first time,thought, is the experience you remember .

For it is that first chill, the feel of the water seeping into your skin, you ears hearing the pounding of an unknown substance beat down around you, that burns in your memory, stored in the back to be used in the future if and when you come across it again.

My first experience with rain occurred when I was very young. I was bound in a cocoon of wards, only my eyes visible. My small hand clutched my most prize possession, which I wear around my neck today. My first day in demon world was greeted with rain. Not a thunderstorm or the sideways slashing kind, but the downward pour kind which seems to have an infinite supply of droplets.

Unable to move to cover my eyes, I closed them tight, letting the water slide down the sides of my face and occasionally blinking some of the liquid into my eyes. I did not know at the time what that foreign substance was, but I did not like it.

Today is no different.

The rain beats down upon me with such a force that it seems to want to crush me unmercifully into the ground, but don't worry I am standing strong and firm. '_Like always'_ I can hear you say.

You mock me still.

You know, it was raining that day too. It always seems to rain in my memories, if I really look back. Isn't it weird? Maybe we should have taken hint, read the ominous sign in front of us.

' _Oh Hiei, you think so badly of rain. It is the bringer of life, not the destroyer.'_

Why must your voice rebound in the spaces of my mind?

You took the sign of rain as a good one, didn't you? Foolish.

_-----_

…_I dream of gardens in the desert sand  
I wake in pain  
I dream of love as time runs through my hand…_

_-----_

You told me to meet you in the forest, our usual spot. It used to be plain and gloomy, until you had your way with it. When I arrived it was in a small clearing with green grass, and a canvas of leaves trying to hold against the rain outside, though drops found their way through.

I greeted you with a snide comment about how you made me come out in the rain, when you knew very well how I despised it so. _"I can drown in this amount of rain, baka kistunse"_

' _Oh Hiei, you think so badly of rain. It is the bringer of life, not the destroyer.'_

Your eyes light up in the way they always did when you spoke to me like a child so unsure of the world I was in.

You just sat there, if you remember, for a good while before you spoke to me again. You played with a seed so small I could barely see it, but I sensed the amount of energy you were putting into to it. It began to glow and pulse, and soon enough bloom into the tiniest of buds.

I snorted in my usual arrogant way, commenting on your waste of energy. Your eyes are, were, the best shade of green I have ever seen. I don't know if you have ever noticed, but a small gold rim lined the outside of each orb.

And as I watched you carefully hold that bud in your palm, and observed you golden line, I knew that Youko would always be a part of you. Why did you always try to suppress him? I never quite understood why you despised yourself more then any enemy.

I remember how you cut my thoughts short with a smile in my direction, and beckoned me with your eyes to come closer.

Do you know that you still haunt my dreams?

-----

…_I dream of fire  
These dreams are tied to a horse that will never tire…_

_----_

I had no idea what you were doing. I never did, but I trusted you so I listened blindly. You did not speak a word, once I crossed the clearing and stood by your side. You were acting in a way that I have never seen, and I was confused. I was scared.

'_Don't be'_ you said almost instantly, always knowing what I was thinking.

I kneeled down next to you on the soft grass, and the water from the rain soaked through to my knees. I hate the rain.

You placed the bud in my hand, and watched it for a moment, looking for a sign. You seemed to have gotten what you were looking for, because you smiled at me.

I would never have admitted it when it actually mattered, but I loved your smile.

It always hid something, when you smiled to other people. But never to me. When you smiled your world was an open book for me to read through your eyes. This time was no different. I saw what was in your eyes…only, I did not know what it was.

----

…_This way she moves in the logic of all my dreams  
This fire burns  
I realize that nothing's as it seems…_

_----_

'_Never loose that' _You meant the bud I was holding. What the fuck am I going to do with this? I thought. But the difference in your eyes frightened me, so I made no comments but nodded and pocketed it.

You seemed to be waiting for this moment, because you exhaled a breath I did not know you were holding. It seemed I was holding one too.

Oh Kurama…I wish I knew now what I was too stubborn to know before.

----

…_I dream of love as time runs through my hand…_

_----_

You kissed me then, with a passion and lust for my lips I did not know you possessed. I did not know I possessed it for yours.

We parted, but only for a moment. I stared into your green- golden eyes, so full of that unknown that I got frightened once more. You silenced my fears with your lips…with your hands…with your body…

----

…_Sweet desert rose  
Each of her veils, a secret promise…_

----

I never knew such feelings existed in my world of black and white- all you saw was grey, and you shared that with me.

Just like my first day of rain, that first day of discovering grey is burned in my mind.

Waking in your arms was magic, Kurama. I never felt so alive, so content, so…so many things I can't define; just like I couldn't define what was in your eyes.

Oh how naïve I was…

The rain stopped by then. I was clothed and out of the clearing, the den which housed our affair, before you awoke. Despite my excellent memory of this time I cannot recall the feelings that were running through me during my escape, and for that I apologize. You deserve to know everything, but I can only share with you what I can remember.

The next memory I have is so different from the ones I just recalled.

It was sunny, warm, bright- you were clouded, cold, and dark.

You did not know that I saw this side of you, did you? I was well hidden, keep in mind, so please do not feel lesser of yourself for not sensing my presence, when you were probably trying with all your energy to find me.

It seems, beloved kistune , that I have much to apologize for.

I should never have left you that morning. How did you feel, waking up and me not beside you, as I know very well that I should have been? I still get a sharp pain every time I imagine the feelings you must have had to endure, and alone.

I have never used the word "feelings" or "emotions" more then I am right now, so I hope you can take this as a sincere sign of my enlightenment.

----

…_I dream of rain  
I lift my gaze to empty skies above  
I close my eyes…_

_---_

I'm so sorry for lingering, waiting, watching. I stood by , day after day, and watched you slowly kill yourself from the inside. I sat by, fully aware of what was happening, and I let you…I let you….

Your probably wondering why. Why did I not just confess all, as you did to me that day in our den? Stop it Kurama, I can feel your eyes still upon me in that gaze which makes, or would have made me, fall into one thousand pieces at your feet. Why did I not confess my love for you, the way you did for me?

God damn it fox! I didn't know how! I didn't know ok? Damn you for your supposed infinite wisdom of such things. Its not my fault…I blame you. I blame you for it all…why did you love me? Why did you choose me, Youko Kurama?

You made this problem- you taught me love. Its your fucking fault that I feel this way now! You brought the pain upon both of us. I could have stayed blissfully ignorant to love, and survived.

Now I don't know if I can anymore without it.

'_Then you would not be living, Hiei. To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead'_

Your voice still speaks to me the logic my ears refuse to hear.

It is not easy for me to admit I was wrong. It is even harder for me to admit that I was oblivious to such a feeling. Is it my fault that I never experienced it before? Now, everyone is saying it was obvious you loved me, and it was stupid of me to never know. Once again, I shall apologize for my stupidity, but nothing is obvious to the uninformed.

And so I watched. Days, weeks, months passed. You still looked for me, waiting for me. You spoke to me as thought I was right outside your window at times. I was.

'_I will wait'_

You said you would wait until I was ready, until I knew. I know now, fox.

You lied.

-----

…_I dream of rain  
I dream of gardens in the desert sand  
I wake in pain  
I dream of love as time runs through my hand…_

_-----_

Three years passed. You still waited by your window every night. I was there when I could be, to look upon you. Why would I not go to you, you wonder? I wonder it as well.

I had my excuses, none of them any good. I told myself I had time to figure this out. You promised me that time. And then you took it away.

Another 5 years passed. You never left your window. Why did you hold on to me so tightly, when I gave every implication I did not want you?

Because you knew, didn't you? You knew I loved you with every fiber of my being. I don't know how you did….ah yes. It has come to me now, you clever fox.

This bud. You were connected to it, weren't you? As long as I had this and fed my love into it, you probably felt it. But I lost it for a time, you know…well, of course you knew, because it was then that you did it.

I

-----

…_This desert flower,_

_No sweet perfume ever tortured me more then this…_

-----

Once again I will beg for your forgiveness my love. I should have seen the signs. Your health was beginning to fail. Were you eating? I don't think so.

Soon enough you never left your room. I know because I was watching you there, hour after hour, day after day, as you slowly slipped away.

That would have been the opportune moment to go, guns blazing, confessing my love and saving you. But I held back. Perhaps it was a ningen illness? I thought, and left it at that.

It amazes me how I fooled myself to believe all that shit I made up as excuses.

You called my name so many times that I wished at one point it was no longer mine. Your last words were a summon to me; a summons I did not answer.

You came to your window, one last time. Well, at the time I didn't know it would be your last.

Your eyes looked so sad then. I remember they held the same scary, unknown look that they had in the den all those years ago. People fear, what they do not know.

It was a warm spring night. The lights in the city began to die out with the coming of dawn. You opened your window, and looked directly in the tree I was in. How did you know I was there? Or perhaps you didn't and just guessed. Either way, you seemed to stare into my eyes with such love and loss I felt I would fall from my place.

'_You will learn one day. I have taught you all I can. I love you, Hiei. Come to me now…'_

Love? Such a word never graced my tongue until that day. Love. You loved me? Me?

Once again I lied to myself, telling myself anything to make it untrue. Why did I do that? Why indeed.

You couldn't wait anymore for me. I am bitter, but I understand. It was cruel of me to ask you to wait. Oh Kurama, why did you have to die?

----

… _Sweet desert rose, _

_This memory of Eden haunts us all…_

-----

Angry eyes were all I saw for the next few weeks after your death. I did not need their hatred; the hatred I had for myself was more then enough. It was then that I found your bud.

I went searching in Makai for it, until I found it lodged between the carvings in a tree. It was hard work and tiring, but it was nothing compared for what you did for me.

I learned Kurama. You said I would, and I did. I understand what love is now, thanks to you. Why did you have to die for me to understand, is a question still plaguing my thoughts. I despise myself Kurama. I said I balmed you… no one but me is to blame.

You know, these ningens have a terrible way of decorating these headstones. I am carving your true name upon it now, not human one you adopted. In death, you will learn to accept yourself as Youko.

It is plain now, with all the flowers dead. It is something you would not have allowed, if you were alive…

A little dirt never hurt no body did it? Well my hands are covered in it. I jus buried our bud in the ground over your grave, in hopes some of the love I fed into it will reach you some how.

I will see you again, beloved. Don't worry- I wont hesitate this time.

I love you, Youko Kurama.

….Ah that's better isn't it? I think the red roses blooming on your headstone looks wonderful.

-----

…_This desert flower, _

_This sweet perfume, is the sweet intoxication of the fall…_

_----_

The End

Fox- I know its kinda pointless, but I just needed to get that out of my system. Advise to you all, don't wait for something, cause it wont wait for you forever…


End file.
